I don’t even know where to begin. I finally met up with him. After four years. I finally realised it was time to meet him. I needed answers to why he hurt me all those years ago. I wanted closure before I went on with my life. I didn’t want to carry around this baggage anymore. So I thought it would be the best decision for me to finally see him and talk about everything that happened between us. It was difficult talking about what happened because I hate being reminded of what I went through but I think this is the best decision I’ve ever made.
I haven’t spoken to Scott in four years. Not since he moved to Swindon and he cheated on me. But I know that was a good thing. As crazy as that sounds. But I thought that when we met up he would be the same person I used to love four years ago. I thought he would be overly confident, arrogant and a horrible person. But he was the complete opposite. He lacked so much confidence, was scared and jittery and to be honest, he was a shell of the person he used to be. I didn’t know how to act around this person. He was someone I didn’t know. I knew who he was four years ago. But now, I didn’t even recognise him. This really threw me off because I hadn’t expected him to have changed so much in four years. Which is silly to think because I know I’ve changed A LOT since being with him.
I was very standoffish with him at first. I didn’t want to let my guard down just in case this was all an act. I also had four years’ worth of anger and hate towards him and finally I could tell him exactly how much he had hurt me. I didn’t waste any time. I wanted to get my answers and leave. I didn’t want to spend more time with him than I needed too. I asked him why he hurt me. I expected him to deny it, just like he did years ago. Claiming I was lying. But he didn’t. He admitted to hurting me. He said it was because of his rough upbringing and how he didn’t have a permanent figure in his life that showed him love. I’m not going to lie; over the four years I had come up with my own suspicions as to why he hurt me. Turns out I was right. But this didn’t give him the excuse to hurt me the way he did. He claimed that he loved me. But you don’t do that to the person you love.
It took me years to realise that I am a victim of abuse. I always made excuses for him because his mum was really sick and he had to look after her. I did this because I loved him. But he didn’t love me. I know that now. He wanted to control me because he couldn’t control anything else in his life and I had let him.
I hate myself for letting him hurt me for so long. But I was young and I shouldn’t have had to experience something like that when I was only fourteen years old. But it made it better to know that he had suffered over those four years. It even made me happy. Which is totally fucked up to say. But after having to endure all of that emotional and physical abuse, I kind of enjoyed knowing that he had suffered.
He told me that his life went to shit after he cheated on me. The girl he cheated on me with only wanted him for materialistic things. Which I find fucking hilarious! But when she found out he didn’t have a lot of money she dropped him. He chose her over me and she still fucked him over. He said that he started to hate school, didn’t do any work and got into loads of trouble. Which is really strange to hear because when we were at school he was so motivated and wanted to do well. So that shocked me. He said he even dropped out of college because the family who took him in because his mum was really sick couldn’t afford to send him to University. So he thought what was the point. He got a job at a car place selling cars and he gets paid a good amount of money so well done to him.
The thing that really shocked me was that he turned to drugs. He would go to raves all the time with his mates and just take so many different drugs. He told me that one time he had a really bad experience. He said that he was paranoid that someone was after him. He got home and barricaded the door shut and didn’t leave the room for three days. He had to have time off of work and it still affects him now. He’s super paranoid and kept making me nervous because of how paranoid he was being about every little thing. Now I know this is super fucked up for me to say, but I’m glad he suffered. I’m glad he went through something so terrible because that’s only a fraction of what he put me through.
I held onto my anger for years for what he did to me. That made it easier I think, to hate him rather than cry about it. I guess to me, being angry and blaming him was easier than confronting him because I was still so scared of him. He hurt me and damaged me so much and for years I refused to believe this. I didn’t want to believe that I was that girl who put up with her boyfriend’s abuse. I didn’t want to be that girl who didn’t leave her boyfriend after he hit her. But now that I’m older I’ve begun to realise that this isn’t what I am. I am a survivor of abuse and I should be proud of this.
It was strange seeing him again. To see this person that I had been in love with, standing in front of me and feel nothing. Well there was something there, but it was mainly anger and maybe I was a little bit scared. Not that I would ever admit that to him. After we spoke, I felt lighter. Which is crazy. But when you’ve been carrying around that much hate for someone for four years and you finally get to confront that person about it, you feel relieved. I’m glad I decided to do this. I’ve waited years to be ready to face him again and now I finally have. But I do still feel sad sometimes because my first relationship was an abusive one. I hate that I was shown the worst things in a relationship when I was that young. Now it’s fucked me up and I didn’t want to believe that it had. I’m scared to love someone again because I know what it’s like to love someone so fucking much and have them throw that back in your face. I also know what it’s like to have someone tell you that you’re the reason why people want to kill themselves…
He was my first love and he ruined all my future relationships because I don’t trust easily and I realise that now. It took me four years but now I know. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I didn’t deserve to be slapped round the face by the boy I loved with everything I had. I didn’t deserve gifts as a way to say sorry for hitting me. I didn’t deserve the mental and emotional abuse he gave me. And I most certainly did not deserve to feel like no one else could ever possibly love me. He destroyed me and since then I haven’t loved anyone else. How could I? He made me so scared to love anyone else because I always thought that they would do the same thing that he did to me.
I hate him for the person he was when he was with me. He damaged a fourteen-year-old girl so badly that she still struggles to trust people and have a relationship. I hate him for changing me. I’ve lost the girl I used to be and some days I miss her because she never had a chance against a boy like him. She was kind and had so much love to give. But he totally destroyed this person. My relationship with him killed me and I envy the girl I once was. A girl who was in love with the idea of love and had never experienced anything bad in her life. But now, I need to remember that I am strong and I know to NEVER let anyone treat me the way he treated me. I know now that I deserve better than that.